I was happy, thrilled and was enjoying my Onam. Had delicious feast, called up friends and family to greet, made my grand uncle’s traditional leftover recipe for diner. Then something inside me started screaming out loud and I became irritated, restless and more than that angry. I was angry for no reason, wanted to talk to my husband, but I was mute. He is the Pillar of my strength , also the one who can handle me when I am like this. He has this patience , cool like mount Everest.
He asked me to go out to terrace and walk for sometime (wonder how he get these ideas when I am completely blank). I was complaining that I needed to go somewhere to feel relaxed. He only said ” walk”. while walking I looked up , it was real dark , clouds were covering the moon and there was no sign of any starts either. Not even the one I used to see daily. Only a thin circle of light came out. I was like that moon trying to come out from the aching thoughts. Questions like what am I doing in this world? whatever it is is that enough? As a woman am I weak ? was fully covered in ” I “.
Am I weak ? for that question, got the answer from my father. I’ve seen people calling him weak, getting back stabbed by near and dear. All these times he maintained a scary calm that was uneasy for me. I used to boil with rage and once shouted at him ” why are you silent ?” For that he replied ” Then whats the difference between me and them ? “. He taught me only react when needed to. Anger, Rage, Ego you can come up with all these very easy, learn to master silence, have compassion, don’t look up and be jealous of what you haven’t gotten. Look down and bring a change to those who needs it and that way crush your ego.
“Compassion and tolerance is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength ” – Dalai Lama
Then slowly that darkness cleared both mine and the moon’s. Yes, now I could think about those who need me ( or I need them ). My husband also came near me and said ” see you don’t have to go somewhere to relax, sometimes looking up to the sky from your own home is enough”. And the path where I wanna go was again crystal clear to me. The star which went missing ( I named her tinker bell ) was again winking at me through my window pane.